10 years ago I never knew this beautiful little baby would forever change my life in so many beautiful moments but also some not so good ones. It started off with the whole breastfeeding process. Now I wasn’t forced but it was very loudly encouraged by everyone. So that’s what I did. My little girl wanted no part of it. Recovering from a c-section and trying to feed a squirming baby doesn’t feel so great.
Sleepless nights, exhaustion, and your patience are hanging on by a thread and that was the new normal for a few years.
Then came the tears, of guilt that you weren’t enjoying this new mom thing. And that kind of guilt is devastating. I worried if I was a good mom. Was I doing it right? Was she drinking enough, eating enough? Is she reaching all her milestones? I fought those feelings for a long time but they wouldn’t relent.
After my second daughter was born only 15 months after my first. ”yes Irish twins.” I was a mom of a 6-month-old barely getting by and now I was pregnant again.
I cried in the shower, I hid in the bathroom, and I cried while I was feeding her. I felt sad all the time and I was very critical of myself. I also was paranoid. Is she breathing? Did she roll over off the wedge? I couldn’t sleep thinking I heard crying.
I was also a full time working mom.
I went to the doctor for my checkup. I filled out the questionnaire and it was not very good. My doctor told me I had postpartum depression. I knew something was off but I was shocked to hear that. I remember when I walked out to my car I just cried. It was tears of relief that I now knew I wasn’t crazy. My feelings kind of made sense. But then the guilt set in. Then the shame and embarrassment.
Thinking back I have to say of course I would of wished some things were different like enjoying all those moments I didn’t. But then I remember all those beautiful moments where being a mom was my entire world.
It was in those moments where I felt peace and unconditional love for my beautiful baby girls.
If you are reading this mama and you are struggling I know it is so hard. You feel sad and hopeless, but I promise it will not always feel this way. You will feel the sunshine once again. You will feel that tremendous weight of guilt life off your shoulders. One day you will feel like yourself again. Take your time. Ask for help from family and friends. A strong, happy mom = a happy baby.
You are not alone. You are not crazy. And most of all you are an amazing mom. You are dealing with the journey of motherhood. Do not think for one second that you are supposed to love every minute. You are not. You are human. Your patience will be tested time and time again. You will wonder what was I thinking I can’t do this. You will think how do other mom’s do this. Or maybe someone makes it look easy. I can say with absolute certainty their is nothing easy about motherhood , but one thing I know is a promise that it will be worth it.
Keep hanging on mama your babies need you ❤️❤️